Confessions of a Western Wino: Secrets and Magic: Kualoa Ranch of Oahu

Text and photos by Jason McKenney.

The fog hangs thick like a droopy blanket. The tops of the trees are shrouded in a gray mist that whispers your name, beckoning you towards the dark forest like a forest nymph. Little devils live in there. Waiting for you. They were waiting for me to ride an ATV across the lush, green valley while high mountain cliffs loomed over my shoulder. I was reminded of the scene from Jurassic Park where Dr. Alan Grant and the two kids are swarmed by a flock of speeding Gallimimuses. Kualoa was the location for several of the beautiful exteriors of Jurassic Park. Zipping through on an ATV, I imagined myself being chased by a T-Rex, chomping for my head. I was now at top speed, which was around 20 mph. No way I would be outrunning any giant meat-asauruses on this day.

My and my new friend.

Riding down the hillside and coming out from the low-hanging trees, I saw a large, brown face resting along the valley floor about fifty yards ahead of me. A replica Easter Island Moai, apparently created for a documentary filmed here, greets those who reach this point. Even wary of Raptor and Pterodactyl attacks, I paused for a moment to have a photo taken with the large face.

There is a hush on the valley floor. The green cliffs are like skyscrapers surrounding me on one side. The glory of the Pacific rolls out on the other. The whisper of a waterfall can be identified, probably coming from around the next bend. Another ATV pops out from the behind the trees. Are they on the tour as well . . . or are they chasing me? Best not wait to find out.

Mr. Ed takes a break.

My wife and I visited the Kualoa Ranch during a trip to the Hawaiian island of Oahu. The Ranch is a 4000-acre private nature reserve and working cattle ranch, as well as a popular tourist attraction and filming spot. The valley was a sacred location to ancient Hawaiians from the 13th to the 18th century. As written in the Kumulipo, an ancient Hawaiian genealogical chant, Kualoa is where Papa and Wakea buried their first still born child, Haloa. It is said that the first taro plant grew up from where Haloa was buried at Kualoa.

We marched through a jungle path that looked like an escape scene from Predator. Rough vines hung down from the trees and roots wove around our feet. We arrived at a small dock near the Moli'i Pond and the so-called Secret Island. We were near a flower farm and the tropical fish aquarium, but our objective was to reach another dock on the other side of the Secret Island. Fog floated lazily just above the water as if it were early morning on the Thames. Sea turtles could be seen relaxing just below the water's surface. Every once in a while one would pop up to say hello.

The Chinaman's Hat

Reaching the Secret Island, we transferred to a larger catamaran and set off for a journey around the Kaneohe Bay. Our eager captain led us out towards Mokoliʻi island, also known as "Chinaman's Hat" due to its curious, tilted shape. The boat ride normally looks over blue, shimmering waters under bright, sunny skies. On this February afternoon, the skies were cloudy and a thick marine layer still hugged the shoreline. A creepy, smoky atmosphere surrounded everything giving a unique view not usually captured in the promotional materials.

We grabbed lunch at the cafe inside the gift shop: barbecue pork, rice, macaroni, sushi, and Asian salad. We sat outside the gift shop at a picnic table that was being closely monitored by a few lazy cats. A skinny chicken walked around our feet in hopes of finding stray scraps.

Delicious Waialua Soda
bought at the cafe,

On the other side of the highway from the ranch entrance were a few men building a horse fence along the edge of a grassy field. They wore long-sleeve shirts, jeans and boots and were probably doing similar labor to what they did every day, whether tourists showed up or not. More than just a tourist spot, the ranch offers a peak into the lives of native Hawaiians who work the land, raise animals, and produce goods to earn a living. They do this in a place most outsiders don't think of as anything more than a vacation spot. In the midst of magical forests, secret islands, Hollywood, and tropical paradise, everyday people still work, struggle and look forward to going home in the evenings to be with their families.